issues with neurotic, obsessive working ou

[syymphonatic]

Ok, I've historically been a very physically active person... used to be involved in all types of dance, rowing, soccer, skiing, etc. Now, I remain active (my job in a restaurant leaves me power-walking for 3+ hours a day, I walk about 2 miles a day to class and back, etc), but I'm left feeling unfulfilled and lazy, and I want a more invigorating workout as well as a better body.

I'm not overweight now... 23YO female, 5'10"/11", 155lbs. Mild smoker, but I can literally quit whenever I feel like it, so I'll often just go weeks without. I am definitely not in top condition like I was when I was on the varsity crew team at age 16, but I can still make it through 45 minutes of solid cardio and still get up and walk away.

My problem is, I used to have a super lame body image and disordered eating problems (that weird line between restrictive calorie counting and bulimia). I still struggle with it occasionally, but it's mostly in passing at this point. So, when I actually do go to the gym to indulge in my need for a fulfilling workout, it immediately spirals into a crazy, neurotic obsession again, and within days of starting exercise again, I'm counting calories, making weight charts, going to the gym more and more every day, restricting my diet, berating myself, etc etc.
So then eventually once I come to my senses again that I don't want to live like that (usually after 2 weeks or so), I have to stop going to the gym again in order to calm down and be a normal-brained person again. Which leaves me back at square one, with very moderate activity.


Anyway, this is a problem that I've tried to control but to no avail, and I'd really like to overcome it in oder to be a healthy, physically fit person. It's like exercise just makes something in me snap to revert back to the crazy psychological issues I used to suffer from. I have no idea how to overcome it, but for the upcoming quarter at school, I've signed up for a dance class, and at my job, I joined their indoor soccer team. I was thinking/hoping that maybe having structured activities would help me out with the crazy-spiraling-out-of-control thing, but I haven't really done anything to that effect since high school, so I don't necessarily want to lay all of my hope on that.


So does anyone have any tips? I'll take anything, I'm pretty desperate to be a normal exerciser.

 

[artaxerxes]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I can really relate. Unfortunately, I don't have a perfect solution but you said that you'd take anything, so I can at least offer my story and some small suggestions. Sorry this post is long.

My exercising history is pretty much exactly like yours. I did competitive sports my entire life and worked as a sound engineer, lifting heavy equipment every night. I've always been healthy, a light sporadic smoker, but fit, normal weight. I had some serious body image issues that would make me totally neurotic about not exercising/dieting enough. Dieting isn't really the right word, more like just adopting extreme eating regimens that weren't necessary. (OK, dieting. )

When I was really happy with my exercise regimen, this is what I was doing: (1) walking to work and back downtown 5 times a week = 15 miles roundtrip, (2) running 5-7 miles a day (6-7 days a week), (3) 45-90 min weights 5 times a week, (4) intense yoga everyday. I loved it, but it felt like it was barely enough. When I was exercising, it felt like I was doing coke or dope: I just had to do more because it felt good. Or, more honestly, just because I was fiending for more exercise. I kept this up for more than 10 years, taking periodic breaks like you do.

So, I knew I was fucking myself up. And I would taper back like you and "re-set" my exercise program. But then it would spiral out of control again. So here's the cautionary tale: I injured myself at your age by lifting way more than I should have then continuing to work out on my injury. Ten years later, I hurt myself again... couldn't stop working out, had a terrible doctor. Long story short, I really fucked up my back and had to have a major surgery because I ignored the injury and wouldn't stop exercising.

I just turned 40 this year and I'm still figuring out how to exercise moderately. I have to... I have a spinal fusion now. It fucking sucks. So I have a few things that I've figured out in retrospect that would have worked then and that I practice now. They're based on CBT techniques that I learned from my therapist for my bipolar.

I can always tell when I'm fiending to work out more. Like you, I'm really familiar with those mental states. So now when I feel like this, I just stop. Period. That's it for that day. I'm not allowed to do any more intense exercise that day. I'm allowed to walk or do GENTLE yoga, not insane balancing poses for 30 minutes straight followed by arm stands and shit.

And when I feel that fiending thing, or if I get super-obsessive about my body image, I MAKE myself meditate for 30 minutes. I have it set up in my mind that if I don't meditate when I feel fiend-y, I'm not allowed to exercise the next day. So it's a reward system.

I draw up charts for each month: X hours of swimming a week, X hours of lifting, yoga, soccer, skating, etc. And I make myself adhere to the numbers I've written down. I just don't allow myself to change the numbers. When I combine that with my CBT practices, I do okay. I guess it's what my yoga teacher would call mindfullness. I use similar techniques to manage my manic phases.

I think that playing team soccer is a great idea because it's intense and it ends. You're less likely to keep running around the field for 3 hours after a game. (And competitive soccer fucking rocks.) But if you're like me, any activity that makes you feel good will make you want more. That's why I think it's necessary to be active in treating the mental aspect of your exercise "addiction." I kinda don't want to use the a-word there, but I do think it's appropriate and potentially helpful.

Sorry I don't have more specific suggestions. I really hope that it will work out this time and that you can enjoy being athletic and super-active without driving yourself crazy or hurting yourself. IMO, there's nothing that feels as good as pushing oneself to the extreme limit of physical exertion. I know you can do it. It just takes patience, planning and practice.

 

[assembled]

If it's beneficial I see no problem. I am a 21 y.o. male, quite strong, thin, 6 pack abs etc. etc. I am disgusted with my body every day. I always feel the need to "work on it" by being active, and developing some aspect of my physique.

Before I used to log everything I ate, whatever activity I did and how much weight I could lift. In the end of it all, I decided to scrap it all and just work out.

Here's a fantastic thought, just think, since you actually care about exercise and being healthy you are already probably in better condition than 90% of people.

Mainly I've tried to switch from critiquing my own body (In my heart I know it's a good strong one!) to other peoples' bodies. Lazy people make me sick and most fat people needn't be that way.

Anyway, I can see where you are coming from, for sure.

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

Acknowledging your predisposition towards negative behaviours associated with exercise is good. You are self-aware but don't get too crazy with that awareness

I like your idea of organized exercise to start. Focusing on a team effort vs. just you. A finite time where your are active and then continue on with your day.

I suggest yoga. This has provided me with strength mentally and physically. I struggled with binge eating for too many years.

You can change your perception and actions. Sounds like you have done it before. You can do it again. If you feel you are lacking the cognitive tools, then see a therapist. If I recall correctly, you don't have health insurance and/or cash for this.

Until then, keep yourself on a healthy mental track and cut out those damn ciggies!

 

[rm-rf]

i fucking love the username artaxerxes!

any at the OP: sounds like you get a lot of cardio, but what is your diet like? maybe your counting the wrong calories? maybe your diet lacks some completeness, some balance.

in addition, do you do any weight training when youre in the gym? perhaps you get enough cardio during your day that doing more in the gym doesnt help much, maybe working the muscles a bit will charge you up from the inside.

yoga is a good suggestion. youre not only working your body, youre working your mind. i feel like yoga or other martial arts will build you from the inside out, and will structure your perception as well as your physique.